Monday, November 14, 2011

Peace in the Darkness

In the town of Ofuna, Japan, there is an impressive statue of the Kannon, the Buddhist goddess of peace and mercy. This site also houses the eternal flame from the Nagasaki bombs and several other monuments to peace. The Kannon in Ofuna is also meant to be a site for people from foreign lands to visit when they are feeling homesick, a place for people feeling like strangers in a strange land, wishing for a normalcy that they once knew.

In the midst of the confusion, the dark nights, and the constant battles with foods and helping our children to have pain-free days, we still have moments of clarity and beauty every single day. We have chances to see the world through their eyes, to see the beauty and to not always have to realize the weight of a situation, no matter how daunting or overwhelming it may be. It amazes me that always in the midst of some of the most frustrating days, the times when I am just done with FPIES and angry at what it does to my child and my friends' children, my daughter, my beautiful B brings me back to peace.

Today, I went to the hospital. Not for a reaction, not for an allergy test, not for a check-up. Today I went for an ultrasound and got to see our new baby for the first time. (Yes, I am pregnant! My lack of posting is now hopefully making more sense to all of you! haha) We have fears of food allergies (mainly FPIES) and fears of my heart condition complicating the pregnancy, but all of that washed away when N and I could show B, "Look! That's our baby! You are that baby's big sister!" She saw the tiny hands and the tiny heart beat and with excitement said, "That baby is wigglin' around!!!" Any and all anxiety we had been feeling just left and we all enjoyed the moment together, meeting our new little family member. There will be times to worry, times to prepare. But there will be times for peace. There really must always be time for peace.

When I first saw the Kannon, B and I were riding the train and had become turned around. Not badly lost, but in need of direction. I remember looking out the train window and whispering "Who is THAT?" as I saw a huge alabaster bust rising out of the densely wooded mountain. When we finally went to visit her, it was the most peaceful place and I understood the Kannon's significance. As I try to be more and more in the moment with B, I realize the place that peace really does need to have in my house (and I am sure in all of our houses!) We have been turned around, we have lost our way on a lot of days because of FPIES and all that factors in to that, but I now aim to focus on being in B's moment, finding myself and finding my family in times of peace. And I am so happy to now have two babies, one more of a big girl and one yet to meet the world, to remind me of this and the so many other moments of beauty that will find us, FPIES or not.